coffee and paper

Good day my children. I haven’t updated in a while because I just haven’t had the time nor the energy I suppose. So tomorrow is my last day at work and I have so many different emotions. I’m so excited, but yet so scared. I will no longer have a job so that means I have to be on a very tight budget. School doesn’t start until the end of September which means I can’t go crazy and just start going out or buying things. I have been doing really good by saving my money though and I’m very proud of myself for that. =]

Now on to my love life, or really lack there of. Psh. I’m doing a ton better than I was in the last post. I have come to realize that what is happen at this moment is nothing but the best thing that could happen. I need to be single so I can concentrate on my classes and finding a job. So that is that.

I suppose other than that I don’t have much else to say. I will update more later. Miss and love you all.

[heart]burn and hang[over]s

Good morning my fellow bloggers/xangars. I haven't updated in a week or so, so I figured I would post a little update about me, myself and I.

This is my last "full" week at work and I'm getting a little nervous but very excited at the same time. My boss decided to call off today, but it wasn't actually a call off, she sent me a text. How lame is that?!? And she is already off this Thursday and Friday so it's not like she has to work all week. blah. gag me with a spoon. Oh well I won't allow her to rain on my parade, keep the bands marching! lol. I'm a total loser. oh well.

My ex Jenna has just been playing with my heart and I decided I honestly need to just walk away from all of this. She left me for a 16 year old girl who she has never met. Really that just tells me a lot about her character and her immaturity. For one, what was she doing talking to a 16 year old in the first place, she is 22 herself. I would NEVER even think about talking to an 18 year old. But whatever, she can have her precious jail bate and allow her to break her heart because I know when I was 16 I had no idea what I wanted. Whatever it still hurts but at the same time I feel so free. lol. Is that horrible? whatever. But Jenna wants to be friends but I just don't think that is the right thing, I honestly start to feel crazy when I talk to her because she says things that just break my heart and I try to be strong but I then say very mean things and I feel bad. grrr. Why is it love makes us crazy?!? Deep down I know that she isn't the one for me, and I really do want to be her friend but I need to be more strong and just stay way from her for a while because she will only continue to hurt me. See I know what I need to do but does that mean I do it?!? NO!! lol.

paper cuts and scarlet blood

I have been avoiding this blog in a way.

so I am now single for good. (well at least for a while) My girlfriend (ex) broke my heart too many times and I had to cut her out of my life completely. I'm a lover and when I love I give all of myself to the person I am dating. I suppose a lot of things led us to the end. Honestly I wasn't able to be there for her 100% and she couldn't give me 100% of her heart. She started to play games with me so I realized what I had to do. (one of the hardest things) I had to turn around and just walk away from her. I had to delete her from everything, she said it was childish, but honestly the only way I know how to heal is to walk away. She continued to hurt me over and over again and I know I didn't deserve that. I have been okay though, I have good days and bad days, but I know one day I will feel like myself again and be completely fine.

On another note I only have 12 more days (full work days) of work left and I am done working at CrotHELL for good! I am moving to Columbus the first of September. I'm moving in with a dear friend of mine (more like a sister) She's allowing me to live in her basement until I find a job and an apartment. I start school at THE Ohio State University Sept. 22nd and I'm sooo excited. I miss school so much and I think this is just going to be the best thing for me. YAY!! haha. sorry I got really excited.

Update on my friend Ryan. He has now been sober for six months today!! I'm so proud of my little guy. aww. He said he's having a day today though, he said he's always in a bad mood on his anniversaries, but I suppose when you have an addiction something like that isn't always going to feel good. But my little guy is leaving this hell too. He is moving up to Lake Erie (which I'm so jealous) His mom has properties up there and he is moving into one of the houses, which is really nice. But yeah, he is doing really good.

Other than that I don't really hang out with many people. I go on dates every now and again with Erica, which we are supposed to be going on one this week!! I have been going to columbus to hang out with my friend Jenny. Her cousin Stephanie who has always been like a little sister to me has been over there and we started hanging out too, she's such a sweet heart, I love talking to her. I feel bad though because she is having a rough spot in life right now and I try to bring her up but I'm not sure if my words actually help her. But I do hope so, because she's a sweet girl who will one day find her way. =]

Well I suppose that was the quickest update I could give right now. I'm going to go lay down because I have been working 10-11 hour days five days a week and I'm super tired!! I will start writing in here more. Maybe someone will read it.

ooooooooh you know, just another day in the life of me

oh blogging how I have missed you! Nothing too interesting has been going on in my life. My girlfriend broke up with me for many different reasons. My heart is broken, but I know I will heal someday. I guess I am okay with it because I feel like being single is the best thing for me right now, but it still hurts when I talk to her and she tells me she likes someone else. Not sure what to do about that, but it's her life and as long as she is happy I am happy for her.

Anyway enough about my poor heartbroken self, lets move on to better things, more positive things! My last day in the laundry business is now official. August 21st 2009 marks the day I am finished dealing with hospitals, caproate a-holes and miserable bitches. (okay maybe not all of that because I'm sure there will be people like that at every job) Either way I'm very excited, but at the same time very scared. I do not have a new job yet so I'm a little nervous about that, but I will just have to get out there and do whatever I can to make money. Maybe even sell my body... hmm... jk, I would never do that.

Well, school starts Sept. 22nd so I have a month to figure out where I'm going to live and where I'm going to work... gag me with a spoon, can we say stressful? I'm not sure what kind of living arrangement I want. I would love to have a roommate because I don't want to be by myself. But at the same time I'm like it would be nice to just live alone. Right now I'm thinking about living with my ex girlfriend but honestly I don't know how that will go. My heart will become broken I think more often than none. She told me this morning that she made out with her friend last night and that she likes her and it hurt a lot... So I don't know how I would deal with something like that if it were happening right in front of my face... I tell myself I would be okay and I would be able to handle it, but my heart is very tender and I'm not sure if I could handle it... I don't know, I feel like I'm in such a pickle. LOL do people really say that?!? Anyway that's something that I'm trying to figure out...

This week pretty much sucked. I didn't do anything but work... almost fifty hours. GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

Last night I went to Joe and Joeys with Cory and had a few drinks then went to the bar and saw Erin for the first time in months!! It was weird at first but then we talked and it was nice. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow. We are going to go to her parents house and go swimming and lay out, if it's nice. =] I do miss hanging out with her, she was my best friend at one point and things just went down hill. I blame a lot of that from me being in love with her, but things just happen. We haven't really been close for ten months now, which is insane! But whatever, I'm glad we are talking again.

Today will be a fun day. (I hope) Ryan's boyfriend is in jail, well not really jail it's kind of like a halfway house... anyway for like five DUI's. But he is able to leave for work... Well he works an hour and a half away from the jail... (which is up in port clinton) So I am going to go with Ryan today to take Jacob back to jail and then Ryan and I are going to the beach up at Lake Erie and having a picnic and just laying out and stuff... So Ryan told me he is moving up there and I'm sad because I want to move too! lol. Anyway I'm happy for him. But he is going to show me the place he is moving to, so I'm excited about that. And I'm going to take my video camera and camera so maybe I'll post some stuff for you all to see.

Well I have to go get ready just thought I would give you an update since it's been forever!

<3

just something I wrote...

My heart is silanced from the way the world believes
so hard to find the truth, when they all decide to leave
a broken soul with no string to stitch this heart of mine

are you my angel, here to carry me with your wings?
my chains are bound and heavy, no burden left aside
I see no light in the distance, only the shadow it conveys

the silance placed between us is filled with stories unsaid
your soul sings a love song so pure and so sweet
but will this be enough to carry me til the end?